Mind the Petunias
by Consumate Vs
Summary: [ErynGalen&JacobimVonStyluss]Harry has defeated Voldemort, and is determined to be the average rich teenager. Rebellious, witty, carefree and... with two hot lovers. Oh, and you'll never guess what his job is... [Slash! HPDMRL]
1. Chapter 1

_**AN: This is the first chapter of a new fic, this one is a collaboration between me (Jacobim Von Styluss) and Jens (Eryn Galen). It is a humour fic, that I started a few months ago, based on achallenge I saw ages ago, on the silver snitch. The chapter you see here is entirely mine, but a sex scene at the end was written by jenny. It is available to reviewers who give us their E-mail address, (notice the cunning plan to persuade reviewers?) and its marvellous, well worth reviewing for. In fact, It's bigger than this chapter and has some marvellous Draco characterisation.**_

"_What are you going to do when you've left school?"_ said some squat wheezy bloke in blue robes, on backwards, probably an independent reporter. After all, I wouldn't hire him!

"_Harry! Will you answer a few questions?"_ Rita Skeeter. Say no more.

"_Harry, Darius Screeb-Hornet, Daily prophet. How did you defeat Voldemort?"_ A tall regal although ruffled looking man said.

"_Do you have a girlfriend?"_ Demanded a dull looking witch with ginger hair, in pink robes that absolutely screamed Witch Weekly.

"_Will you marry me?"_ I somehow doubt that this one came from an on duty reporter, indeed coming from a blonde on bended knee.

Every time. Every bloody time I leave the house. Draco and I are living with Remus right at the moment (It's Christmas, after all! The bloke needs some company. At least, that's what I told Albus. However, company is something he's certainly getting. Rather more than Albus realises, I suspect.), and whenever I wander out to go for a walk, I get assaulted. I swear that these guys are doing me more damage than Voldie ever got on me. Christ. They're even camped on the lawn! The Prophet bloke's tent is squashing my Petunias, and well, that's my job!

However, with all these questions, how do you answer? A flash of insane and evil genius came upon me, luckily.

"Rita, you can have one answer, and that was it. Now sod off. Next, Mr Screw-Bonnet was it? By magic." He smirked. I know full well I'm a git. I also know the man's name, perfectly well. However, strictly speaking, I am untouchable, as I can do whatever I like. While the press so hound me, I can fight back. I pointed at the squat guy. "What was your question again?"

"_What are you going to do once leaving Hogwarts? After all, many professions will take you, anywhere in the ministry for example."_

"I don't know. Ministry, you say? Maybe I could run a new department to show journalists how to put robes on properly?" I sneered, mockingly. Everybody turned, and a couple of them began to snigger. The man apparated away fairly quickly.

"Oh, he didn't splinch himself. I had a feeling he would, somehow. Ah well. Anyway, next on the agenda. Witch Weekly woman, yes indeed I have a girlfriend. Her name is Draco Malfoy" Accompanied by a "Hey!" from by my right knee. I looked down, and grinned at the last speaker I had to deal with.

"Draco, as much as I appreciate it, you really are supposed to bring a ring for this sort of thing. Tradition, you know."

Draco Malfoy grinned at him, before both boys burst out laughing. Harry reached down a hand to help Draco up, as Draco walked into the house Harry whispered "Get Remus, if anyone can prank these guys off our lawn it's him. I'll hold the fort." and then proceeded to set the Prophet tent on fire. That particular newspaper is permanently under the threat of slander charges after they slagged me off during fifth year, and therefore will put up with all my shit.

Draco turned around for a second, just to point out "You dealt with them Slytherin style, well done. You have certainly improved." he grinned. "That's good enough for a sixth year, so your nearly there. Mind you, most of those who would be in seventh, like Pansy, Greg, his dad, Vince, his dad, and Millie all put together would not managed third year, so you'd cope. Shame we can't be resorted."

"Quite." I joked. I was a Gryff through and through.

Oh, didn't I tell you? Draco's been teaching me in the art of 'Slytherinity' (Draco's title for it, I know that is definitely not a word) for the past few months.

_**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**_

_**Five minutes later**_

"Oh no!" said Remus in mock horror. "We've burnt the petunias!"

The garden was carnage. A couple of reporters were purple, one's vision had been turned upside-down, and Rita Skeeter was blushing Weasley red. It's her own fault, she shouldn't have stuck around after I told her to leave, but no, and now she's doing the can-can around the street.

And, indeed, the petunias were on fire, along with the remains of the Prophet bloke's tent.

_**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**_

Well, I had actually set out to go to work. I work at a small place in London called Potter's Palace – I own it, in fact (Duh!). When I arrived, my co-workers (who were still training me in the subtle science of my job) were a little confused at my lateness; because I rarely slacked off, I loved my job. However, once I'd explained, they laughed their heads off. Luckily, they were all squibs (I couldn't help but feel that squibs must have difficult lives; they all get paid far too much because of my damn conscience – they don't complain though!) and thus weren't surprised to hear I had the media on my lawn. They knew more than most did about me, with the notable exception of both my lovers – call me what you like, but I love them both. They love each other as well as me, anyway.

I had the good sense to buy a place over from the Leaky Cauldron. The name of my place, even if they don't know I work here (I work under a glamour), is enough to persuade punters from Diagon as well as Muggle London. Wizards don't exploit my profession, so they all use muggle shops.

I arrived, a while ago and set to work, watching the masters of their craft at work, in the hope that i'd learn. This is to be my permanent job, after all.

After a few hours, Remus & Draco arrived, and after a private word with Remus, all of my employees agreed to call a lunch break – they know my lifestyle, and are fine with it.

The shop was locked up, and I had two _incredibly _hot men facing me. What do you _think_ I'm gonna do?

**Read and Review, people! Something has to persuade Jenny to write chapter 2!**


	2. Chapter 2

**This chapter is devoted to our only reviewer so far... Indigo931. hugs and gives out cute Draco plushy...**

Draco wondered how he managed to get into these situations. Sure, sometimes it's totally his own fault, but right now, being butt naked and tied spread eagle across a table was hardly something you could blame him for...

He wasn't totally surprised, however, seeing as both his lovers had a kinky side the size of the grand canyon. He was more surprised that this hasn't happened already.

Actually, pondered Draco, this seemed a bit tame compared to what Harry and Remus got up to when Draco refused to play along. No matter what they say, being chained to a wall and burned by droplets of molten candle-wax really didn't seem like what Draco was looking for in a good sex life. He passed on that one, every time.

Finally deciding that just lying streched out and naked over a desk was getting a little boring, Draco tried to catch somebody's attention. His rather pristine bum was getting pretty damn chilly.

"Harry, Remus? Where the f-ck are you?" He called to the empty salon.

"Hello?"

"Come on guys, this is not fu-."

His sentence was cut off though, by a sudden sharp blow to one of his butt cheeks. Surprised, he yelped and looked over his shoulder, to see Harry and Remus behind him, both smirking evilly, both nude, both with rather firm... expressions (heehee). Not a good sign...well... it had a positive side, Draco silently admitted.

"What are you-,"

Again his sentence was cut short by another slap, this time on the other cheek. Then Draco realised, they were spanking him! Sure, so they said that they'd punish him for forgetting to water the petunias, but this was very over the top, they were only flowers for f-ck's sake! Harry and Remus despised them! Of course, Remus always was a bit senile.

"Are you-,"

Again cut off by another sharp slap on his behind. Draco couldn't help by moan quietly as the tingles coming from the last slap sent a wave of unexpected pleasure rushing through him.

No way was he enjoying this!

Just as those tingles wore off and the pain was becoming more obvious, Draco received another sharp blow, this time from Remus. Again, those tingles mixed with pain, went straight to Draco's rapidly stiffening... posture (heeheehee). Draco couldn't help but moan a bit louder.

"I think he's enjoying this," Harry smirked at Remus, who nodded back.

This time both Harry and Remus slapped both of Draco's bottom cheeks, causing Draco to moan like some wanton slut. The sound went straight from Draco's mouth to Harry and Remus' nether regions. This is why they loved being with Draco, the boy was such a little c-ck slut it was almost unbearable at times.

Draco started rubbing his crotch against the table he was laying on, wanting to get as much friction as possible as both Harry and Remus continued carrying out their 'punishment' with much harder slaps. The waves of pleasure kept attacking Draco's body causing him to groan loudly in approval, begging for more. Harry and Remus happily obliged to the blonde's demands, slapping with great force and talking dirty to him.

Thwack! "C'mon, you wanton little bitch! You know you want it!"

Slap! "You want more, don't you?" SLAP! Louder and harder this time. "Yeaah... that's what you want, what you need, you desperate pretty-boy whore!" Draco arched into the slaps, grunting and almost crying with desperate need.

As Draco rubbed faster and harder onto the table, some conscious part of his mind was telling him that the table would not hold the combined weight of both himself and Harry who was kneeling behind him on the table. He heard the legs creak a little, but his entire body and mind were in such a state of euphoria that he never noticed.

Too caught up in his on pleasure filled mind, Draco was jolted back to reality when he felt something slick and wet circling the entrance to his body. He arched his back and let out a loud moan when he felt Harry's tongue breaching the little ring of muscle and entering his body. He saw spots when Harry's tongue started moving in and out of him, mimicking the movement of the one thing he really was desperate for right now.

Another sharp slap reminded him that Remus was still there, now what was he going to do, Draco wondered. It was unlike Remus to just continue with the one thing for too long. He was plotting something, Draco felt it.

Draco felt so close at this point, between the combined efforts of Harry's tongue and Remus' sharp slaps and contrasting gentle kisses on the reddened skin on his butt, he was surprised he even lasted this long.

Finally he couldn't take it anymore; he needed someone in him now! It didn't matter who, heck it could be that greasy old perv down the road for all he cared, all Draco wanted was that feeling of being filled completely. Even that aerosol can would do at this point!

"Harry … Remus! Need … one of you...something … NOW!" Draco demanded.

"Happy to oblige, darling," Harry replied smirking, and before Draco could even thing up a response, he felt something thick and large being shoved deep inside him. Draco cried out from the sudden invasion and arched his back as the pleasure mixed with pain sent a lovely feeling straight to his lower sections. He moaned aloud and begged whoever it was to just move. He received a hard spank on both sides of his ass, and clenched his... Teeth. (grin)

"COLD!" yelled Draco, as the sides of his anus clenched against something absolutely freezing.

He turned his head and saw both Harry and Remus over his shoulder, and neither looked to be inside him, and considering the fact that you couldnt really spank somebody if you were screwing them, because of the angle, and of course the coldness … then what?

Trying to move his hands he found he couldn't, Draco proceeded to look around to see what inanimate object was missing and was wedged very deep inside his...

Then it hit him, the spray! The kinky f-ckers just shoved a one inch diameter can up his hole! No wonder he felt a bit less stretched than usual.

Draco was about to protest about being used as some cupboard, but then, it didn't matter since either Harry or Remus was kinky enough put it there, and by extension... leave it there. Whoever had a hold of it started moving the can in and out, making sure to hit Draco's prostate every time while doing so. Draco shut his eyes as the stimulation on his prostate alone caused more intense pleasure waves than everything else combined. Every time it touched it, he let out a soft gasp. He could certainly get used to this!

He was so close, so close, so when the can was removed Draco let out a cry of protest. After all he loved that can now, and it probably wouldn't smoke in bed either!

"What are you doing you b-stards? I might die if I don't come soon!" Draco shouted at his two partners, who just smirked at the blond's impatience.

Finally Draco got what he was waiting for when he felt Harry entering him swiftly with a little hint of roughness. Draco let out a loud moan to show his relief that he _finally_ he got what he wanted. Harry was already close to his own climax before he even entered Draco, so Harry was pleased that he didn't come as soon as he breached that ring of muscle.

Draco belief of Remus plotting something was proven accurate when he felt fingers entering him alongside Harry. Draco's eyes shot open when he felt the second intrusion, stretching him even further, what was Remus up to? Just when Draco thought that the pain was too much, those fingers were removed, only to be replaced once again by none other that Draco's new found friend, Mr home-made metal dildo.

"What the!" Draco exclaimed when he felt the aerosol can enter him. Now this was definitely bizarre.

When Draco finally adjusted to both can and cock up his ass, Harry started to jerk with gusto, pushing the can in and out with his own thrusts. Draco was so caught up with the full-to-bursting feeling down there that he never noticed when Remus entered Harry from behind, only realising when Harry stopped for a minute and let out a moan to match Draco's.

When Remus finally moved, pushing Harry even deeper into Draco, along with the can, which nearly made it all the way in, all three let out moans and other sounds of satisfaction. And as both Harry and Remus were thrusting freely into their respected partners, all Draco could do was hold on, in case he was bent in two by Harry and Remus' combined force.

Harder and harder the pressure built as each man tried to prolong his orgasm for as long as possible, but it wasn't long before Draco was the first to come, his already sensitive cock finally giving away to the immeasurable pleasure. Harry was so close to his own that he came about two seconds after Draco, climaxed with a loud sigh.

Remus thrust even harder into Harry wanting to orgasm soon, and if treating Harry like a blow up sex toy was what it would take, then so be it. Clutching onto Harry's hips with a death grip, Remus rammed even harder, and when he heard Draco come with a loud moan, and Harry's tight channel clenching around his cock as Harry found his release, Remus finally came with a roar, his orgasm was so intense.

Remus quickly pulled out of Harry, as their combined weight was crushing Draco who still also had the hairspray up his ass as well. Draco whimpered quietly as his ass was starting to really hurt, Harry sensing his discomfort, quickly pulled out as well, and took out the hairspray can too, before pecking Draco and the Remus on the lips.

Remus then proceeded to untie Draco's wrists and ankles, allowing the blond to sit up with a wince as pain shot up through the small of his back.

"You two are so sleeping on the couch tonight!" Draco said, massaging his sore bottom and back.

"Sorry Draco," both Harry and Remus chorused.

"You better be, now, someone, feed me!" Draco demanded.

"Erm, ok, where do you want to go?" Remus asked, sometimes he and Harry just had to relent to Draco's demands, it's like he has the male version of PMS or something, judging by these sudden mood changes.

"Florence's, of course!" Draco said.

'Great, the fucking most expensive f-cking restaurant in this f-cking f-cker of a city,' Harry chorused in his mind.

"Draco, we can't spend like this! You'll have to pick somewhere cheaper, Florence's is for special occasions only. Anyway, doesn't that place need reservations?" said Remus, ever the sensible one, with a hatred of randomly blowing money, born of years of near-poverty.

As Draco sulked, Harry mentioned an italian restaurant with a great reputation, just up the road. "Mario and I are friends, he'd find room for us. And you love Italian." He continued.

"Well..." Draco cheered up slightly. "Only if you let me..." Draco trailed off.

"What?"

A bright red Draco mumbled, "Only if we take that can home afterwards."

Harry giggled, while Remus said, "Well I doubt Harry's employees will want it back!" smiling faintly.

AN!

Chapter two! It's actually the sex scene from chapter one, but before I posted it I decided to make it a little less explicit. So, I censored all the swear words! Happy? Jenny actually wrote this one, though, so it's my turn next... - James

Thanks to our one reviewer!

Indigo931! You rule! hehehe...


End file.
